Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
