Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
