If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
