i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
