I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
