I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
