my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
