I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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