id be glad to
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
