god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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