apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
