Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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