The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
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It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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