I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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