i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
