I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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