I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
