"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Come on in and take your pants off
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