This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
