Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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