Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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