eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
