I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
