So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
