Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
