I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
