Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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