So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
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Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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