I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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