Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
