I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
