You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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