I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
from now on my penis is your penis
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
