Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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