moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
