I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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