Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
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Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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