it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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