At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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