I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
