I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
