Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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