Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
