i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
