We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
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Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize