I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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