i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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