Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
