A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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