I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize