I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
