You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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