Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
