please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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