Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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