the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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